The Court You’ll Never Enter

A note to young leaders.

“If the spouse dislikes you, it’s only a matter of time.”

That’s the advice the late John Caldon, formerly Deputy MD of Macquarie Group, once gave me.

He was talking about business partners, but the principle applies equally to senior colleagues and important clients.

“We’re all flawed human beings, Adam. It’s just a matter of time before we stuff-up or put our foot in it. And when we do, you can be sure your business partner will tell their spouse about it. If they like you, they’ll stitch you back together. If they don’t, they’ll pull you apart.”

The relationships around your important relationships matter.

We like to imagine that commercial relationships are solely governed by shareholder agreeements, formal reviews and incentives. They’re not. They go home for dinner.

Every business relationship has a court of appeal that you’re not permitted to address. It sits at the kitchen table, possibly in pyjamas, possibly holding a glass of wine. It has no formal power – and something close to total informal power. And the evidence put before it is often catastrophically one-sided.

Enter, stage left, the ordinary friction of commercial life. A business partner comes home annoyed with you. A client complains about something you said. A senior colleague wonders aloud whether you can really be trusted.

If the spouse says: “Come off it, that doesn’t sound like him at all. Go and have a proper chat with him tomorrow morning” – you have been rescued by an invisible ally.

If they say: “I’ve been telling you for years that you can’t trust him” – the end is nigh.

You are being discussed in rooms you will never enter. Make sure you’re well represented.