The Lesson Behind the Question

As many of you know by now, I was blessed to have an inspirational mentor in John R Caldon, former Deputy MD of Macquarie Group.

Earlier this year, with John in the throes of terminal lung cancer, he taught me one final great lesson.

John’s life partner, celebrity chef and author – Lyndey Milan – made a superhuman effort to look after his every need. John worried that this was taking a toll on Lyndey and wanted her to take some time off to attend to other duties. They eventually agreed they would ask family and friends to take turns to be with John for a couple of days.

When my turn came to be with John, he asked me, “Adam, Lyndey will be back tomorrow and she will ask me: ‘How did you cope these past two days?’ What do you think I should say?”

I smiled. I understood his dilemma. If he said it was hard, Lyndey may feel guilty to take time off again. If he said it was easy, she may feel unappreciated. I reflected for a minute and replied, “I think you should say: ‘It wasn’t as difficult as I had feared.’”

John nodded, “Mmm, I think I should say: I love you.” Then he added: “Not in so many words of course, but that should be the gist of it.”

Touché. John was reminding me to listen to the secondary soundtrack.

Don’t just answer the question – answer the question behind the question.